Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
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