You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
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