My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
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