The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
