I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
