I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
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