If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
