got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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