I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Randomize