Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
