Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
