My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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