so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
