A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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