You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Enjoy the penises
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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