just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
