I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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