Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
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