You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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