No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Randomize
