12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I wear drunk well.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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