Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize