I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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