WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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