pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
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