so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
