if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
