I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
