he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
