Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
No it's like. I don't respect you. And I think you're a terrible person but. I still wanna bone it out.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
