3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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