Can i not drive my cunt home
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
