I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
Randomize
