Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
