in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
two words...techno handjob
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
