Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
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