Where did you get a picture of my penis
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
