I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
