There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
