I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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