Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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