Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I have a deodorant stick dedicated to my balls.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
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