the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
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