I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
