I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Randomize
