if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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