Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
