you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
