Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I almost didn't recognize her with a shirt on.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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