Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Randomize
