"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
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