i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
We lost Kevin again. Probably kidnapped by fattie 2 or butter-face 2 from last night. We need names and any information you can give us. Last scene with his shoe laces converted into a belt.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
