Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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